What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 02:50
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ea autem sint vel distinctio id iste ut.
I said to her
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Comes on , in middle age.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
All the time i was locked up.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I have no regrets .
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I write beautiful poetry .
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Ive learnt so much.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We all went to grammer schools
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
What are some good fantasy books that contain aspects of magic in them?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Would this be the day?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What did i know ?
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But, we were locked up after school.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Who then, do I blame.?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Put me off passion for life!!
She loved him until the end.
This is soul school!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She married twice! .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I think the readers, may guess!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She found it foreign!.
I could never make a relationship work though!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was seconnd youngest,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We were not on the streets..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
It was going to be , some day.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was scared of men, in general
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Why did i forgive my father ?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was in good health!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I don,t even have a pension.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was 9 years of age.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One cannot live in the past .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My family never makes their pension either.
So whats the point in blame.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
(And it was in our own minds.)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
As i do to all so called friends.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I never cut or harmed myself..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He resisted the act ,that day.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And i lived it daily.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My life is so biszare .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I will be 64.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When she asked me how she looked .
But it wasn’t much.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He knew the spot.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was very sick at this time too.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im still living with it.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I couldn’t, believe it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.